Girl: I feel guilty
Boy: Don't. You cannot be guilty for something you haven't even done yet
Girl: "Yet" being the operative word here
I miss the self-indulgence into melancholy that being a teenager and a goth allowed me. Adulthood does not allow this kind of non-sense. Is there a problem? Solve it. Occassionally you may be permitted mourning, but only in severe cases of death, accidents, disease and perhaps (although this also seems to be making its way out of the list slowly) a break-up. But if you have a good job, a great circle of friends, your health, your family members alive and kicking, a lovely boyfriend, financial security and you are approaching 30, you are not to be seen sinking. It's not just unacceptable anymore, it is unfathomable. We are too old to indulge ourselves with pointless tears and recreational depression. Life is too short to mourn it. We ought to celebrate it, as much as we can. And we are older now, more cynical, we know after years of experience that nothing is the end of the world, nothing apart from our own death, about which we cannot mourn, we just have to wait until our time comes and even then it won't be so unpleasant for us. We know that this emptiness inside is as fleeting as the sun on the Amsterdam sky in February, we know that any pain fades with time and we know that anger evaporates faster than water. With all this knowledge we proceed into adult life, smiling, brave, holding our head high and our shoulders back.
But like a birthday celebration, where much alcohol is consumed, is normally followed by a seriously painful hungover, I find it equally fitting to have inherent melancholy adjacent to any joyful pleasure or even deep happiness. I have been happy lately, happier than I have ever found myself being before. For a long time. Chronic bliss… as suspicious as chronic depression. Am I missing something? Am I in denial? And so I find shadows and demons and darkness into which I can withdraw for a while, or I start panicking. Perhaps because I don't trust this bliss. Perhaps I am doing this on purpose to balance out all the good. Whatever the reason, the people around me are as puzzled as their realistic adult age requires of them.
There was a period in my life when I was relatively calm, loving, relaxed and forgiving. I did not take things personally and the worst feelings were a guy not calling back, when I would cry for a bit, loneliness and boredom. It started in the summer of 2007.
From this relatively heatlhy state of being I entered a relationship, a group of people I came to call "friends" and for another period I was blissfully happy. For a moment I thought I was cured of the past curses of insecurity, even loneliness had disappeared and I was loving and loved, never bored and never afraid to be alone, because deep down I was not alone. I was convinced I had found the cure of all my problems in multiplying the people I loved. This was in 2008.
Until the circle reached familiar territory and I realised once more why I had abstained from loving too many people, from getting too close. I do prefer being alone to being with other people, generally with a very few exceptions. Betrayal, cheating, lying, selfishness are traits we all have and I cannot forgive as easy as I thought I could. Revenge would feel sweet but I am not that mean, so I just walk away. And the circle begins again. This is now.
The old pattern is to replace old people with new, but then the circle will only begin again. Perhaps I should stop seeking people, and love and any kind of communication and face the fate that has been mine for years: that of a difficult loner.
Alcohol is now my only way out.
After ten years of labels ("diva", "student", "goth", "blondie", "foreigner", "immigrant", "allochtoon", a Dutch word (derived from Greek ἀλλος (allos), other, and χθων (chthon) earth/land), literally meaning "originating from another country") I am finally tired of having to put up with the labels that people put on me. What happened to "free spirit", "travelling soul", "itchy feet"? When did I become an economic refugee in the eyes of the local people? I simply went abroad to escape my oppressive mother, to see more of the world and to get good education. I never planned to stay for 10 years.
But the past is the past and now we can only change the present and the future. How do I get rid of these labels? How do I become a girl in a bar? A woman into fashion? A straight-forward, blunt, impulsive person? How do I get people to see behind those labels and look at the human being whether she drinks in a bar in Amsterdam or in a club in Greece? If my own (now ex) boyfriend cannot see me totally as the woman he is in love with, but as the "Greek" girl, what chance do I have to get rid of the adjectives?
Maybe I ought to stop answering questions. Where are you from? Nowhere. Does it matter? What are your hobbies? I have none. No hobbies, no country, no answer.
Just like others don't like to be judged by their wealth, heritage, job or assets, I don't want to be judged by where I come from. I have lived abroad long enough to be rid of the benefits of moving abroad. Can I get rid of the drawbacks now too please?